Humor: Monster weight-cut hits wrestler hard

Hungry wrestler's victim: 'Yeah, it was mad weird. He was just looking at me like I was a piece of meat.'


Hannah La

Writer Nico Pantojas, in a satiric and imaginary scene, pokes fun at weight-cutting.

Looking back on another great wrestling season, I felt the need to poke fun at the concept of weight cutting. One of the reasons that wrestling is considered such a tough sport is because of the way it consumes every aspect of wrestlers’ lives, especially their diet. In this fictional piece, I hope to bring a bit of humor to the topic.

A local wrestler was hospitalized after a teammate, who was reportedly cutting weight, attempted to eat him. The assailant took three hearty chomps out of the love handles of the wrestling team’s 220-pound starter. In retaliation, the victim proceeded to perform a vicious suplex on his attacker, knocking him out cold and ending the altercation.

“It was gnarly,” one witness said. “He totally wrecked his existence. Instant karma at work right there. I mean, who just bites people like that?” After receiving treatment for his wounds, the young man who was attacked said, “Yeah, it was mad weird. He was just looking at me like I was a piece of meat. He started saying something like ‘Porkchop, porkchop’ over and over again.  I was like, ‘Whatever, dude’ and turned to walk away. Then he came up and took freakin’ chunks out of me!”

Our reporters asked the coach of the team, who seemed very distressed, to comment on the incident. “Two wrestlers! I’m short two wrestlers now!” When pushed to comment on the incident itself, the coach said, “What was he thinking?  He had to make weight! You know how hard it is to fit human flesh into a nutrition plan? Damn hard.”

Wrestler Nico Pantojas pokes fun at the bane of every wrestler’s existence. Photo by Ash DeCann.